I’ve been debating for some time about whether I should or shouldn’t do this post. I try to post only funny/semi-funny or light posts. I’m not one to post controversial topics. Not because I don’t know any but simply its not why I started this blog. I got enough scary/not funny shit happening IRL I try not to bring it here and I know we're supposed to do controversial topic next week but this is about parenting so I'm putting it out there today. I'm sure I can come up with something else next week.
I know that some people who read this post it will have big reactions. Some of you will agree with what I say and others will think “who the fuck does she think she is judging like this”. Honestly I’m not judging (well maybe a little this time). I never judge or at least I don’t judge out loud. We all have different opinions and I never try to tell someone’s opinion is wrong and mine is right.
Now first let me tell what I’m talking about. A couple of weeks ago I went to my personal FB page. I didn’t have much time so I just looked at a couple of post on my news feed and one of the news feeds was from a friend that said something along the lines of “Lets all keep so and so (also a friend of mine on FB) in our hears and minds today as her child died”. Anytime I hear a child has died I just can’t handle this. I’m not big on religion but when a child does die and a fucking psychopath lives and kills and lives to be 100 I just don’t understand and wonder how GOD or whoever could allow this to happen. After I read her post one my kids/husband or something needed something so I logged off and went about my day but I just kept thinking about this woman and how she must be feeling today. My heart broke for her and her family and I hoped that she had a good support system that would get her thru this terrible TERRIBLE tragedy. Later in the day I had time to go back on FB and saw another post from another friend also saying how sad it was that so and so lost her child and if we could keep her and her family in our prayers. So than I went on her (the woman who lost her child) page because honestly I didn’t remember her ever posting that her child was sick in anyway or anything like that and my heart was breaking for her and her loss. I did know that her son was young (still an infant) and I had seen some pictures of him but since we weren’t close friends we didn’t have much contact on FB except for her reading my posts and me hers AND by going to her page I found out how other friends knew of her tragedy and the reason for my post today.
When I went on her page one of the first posts that I saw was from her stating something like “I am so sad. Our beloved child died last night. I am so heart broken. We didn’t expect this, it was so sudden. We’re not even sure what he died from, there are tests that have to be done to see if it was from SIDS or something else”. She posted this sometime that morning. One of my first thoughts was WHAT THE FUCK, I MUST BE READING THIS WRONG???? I had to read her post over and over again and I still couldn’t believe what I was reading. Her child had died just some hours ago (probably less than 12) and she was posting this on FB. I hate to judge people and I know people grieve in different ways but this THIS I just, this was unbelievable. What kind of a society have we become? When did FB become out lifeline to everyone and everything.
I have never claimed to love my kids more than any other parent. I think sometimes you can tell that a parent doesn’t like their child by the way he/she is treated and sometimes you hear adults telling stories of how their parents treated them and you can’t help but think they really weren’t care for/loved as much as they should have. With that said if my child had died unexpectedly or from an illness or anything else I doubt it that I would have the will to live and probably the only thing that would keep me going is that I have another child to care for. You would absolutely NOT catch me on FB or twitter posting the death of my child less than 24 hours after it happened. I can't even imagine being able to do anything eat/drink/talk or anything else for a long time. Whenever something bad has happened to me (thankfully nothing ever major) my first instinct was NEVER and NEVER WILL BE “I’ll post this on FB”.
Am I the only one seeing the wrong in this? Her child had died and she was posting this on FB hours after it happened. I have some friends on FB that definitely post very personal stuff. Sometimes reading their posts I feel ashamed like I shouldn’t know this info, like I’m invading their private thoughts and than I wonder why they would post it for practically the whole world to see. Why have people started putting everything on FB? Why has FB become a place where anything and everything is posted?
This woman who lost her child broke my heart. I felt so terrible for her and her loss. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to lose a child. I had hoped that she would be able to get thru this with help from family and friends but honestly after I found out that she posted the death of her child on FB hours after it happened a part of me didn’t feel sorry for her. I still felt terrible for the child. A boy who would never get to experience his first day of school, first kiss (from a girl or boy which ever he chose), get married, have a job. I felt sorry that he was never given that chance. And I wondered why he was never given that chance. Why does GOD or whoever decided that some kids are never give a chance at these things? But as far as the mother…I just didn’t feel much for her. In a way I felt that she was a bad mother. I don’t know what kind of a mother she was when her child was alive, maybe the best there is BUT and this is my whole point HOW COULD SHE POST THE DEATH OF HER CHILD ON FB LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER HE HAD DIED UNEXPECTEDLY….HOW??????
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Ok, that is REALLY WEIRD. I am Captain Facebook and I wouldn't do that. I'm trying to look at it from every angle, and all I can think is, maybe she was getting inundated with calls and texts and whatnot, and rather than have to go over her story again and again, she thought it would be easier to post it on Facebook so that people would stop bothering her? I'm sure she's not completely in her right mind right now.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to admit, the first thing that occurred to me was Munchausen-by-Proxy. I know someone like that. They had someone close die, and got all kinds of attention, and this person is now addicted to it. If their neighbor stubs their toe, it's all, "Poor me, everybody, my neighbor stubbed his toe and I'm just in AGONY over it!" Anyway, I'm hoping I'm right about option one.
And I have to ask, did any morons "Like" her status?
I can't remember if anyone "liked" her status, I was in shock of finding out that she posed this. I hope that you're right and that many people were calling her and she just wanted people to stop and posed it on FB so everyone could see. Oh and I know a couple of attention seekers and I swear they make me sick!!!! I really hope that she didn't do it for the attention.
DeleteOk, only here's the other thing. I have friends who live all over the world on fb. I get that it may be upsetting to read. I've lost a baby myself. But how is posting it on fb different from setting up a Care Page or whatever those are to update ppl on someone who is ill? We all have different levels of comfort about sharing things on social media. It's not for me to say.
DeleteI wrote a very long blog/FB entry the night my mom unexpectedly died, maybe two hours after I held her in my arms, sobbing why she stopped breathing. I don't know why I did it. But it made me feel better, and the outpouring of sympathy it garnered made me feel better too. It never occurred to me to be ashamed of it.
ReplyDeleteIf my child died, and I wanted to strip naked that very morning and wear a sandwich board declaring the fact on the highway, I would hope no one would think less of me, that I was selfish or attention seeking. I'd hope they'd say, "She's in shock. Unimaginable shock we can't even fathom."
You don't know her motivation, but please give her the benefit of the doubt that it was pure, and coming from a place of blinding pain. It's so much worse that her baby died. That she made the faux pas of posting it on facebook seems so small by comparison.
And ps...it takes balls for a private person to write a post that could bring conflict to her, so I really applaud you writing outside your comfort zone. It was a really intense read.
A blog post makes more sense to me, since so many bloggers say they do it for the :free therapy."
DeleteIt was a "note"...the length of a blog post but I put it on my Facebook. Of course, I try to keep my facebook to people I explicitly like and care about...but I probably would have done it anyway. I was hurting and kinda stumbling.
DeleteI honestly do agree with you that maybe she was in shock and maybe didn't even realize what she was doing when she posted this on FB. I never had anyone very close to me die so I'm not sure how I would react if something like that had happened to me. I just hope that she wasn't doing to for "attention seeking purpose".
DeleteI guess what I'm thinking is...what if she DID want attention? What if she DID want every person she knows to feel her pain and pity her? Is that wrong?
DeleteWhen we suffer (some of us) we want comfort from others. We WANT attention. We're programed from birth to wail when we hurt ourselves, to grab at what we need. Nowadays FB can make that wail go further and louder.
Unless you're worried she KILLED her child for attention purposes. Is she the kind who would???
I can totally understand why she would post it on Facebook. Facebook HAS become my lifeline after living in one place for 32 years and then moving 650 miles away from everyone I know and love. If something horrific like this happened, the ONLY thing I would have the energy to do would be to post a short FB status update. I would not, COULD not, pick up the phone and call people to tell them. I would HAVE to focus on my children who still needed me to be their mom.
ReplyDeleteI can 100% see why she would post this on Facebook. My friends, they know this about me and would totally get why I would do it too.
Facebook is something different to every single person, just like parenting styles are different for every single person.
It doesn't have to be Facebook per se, but i can absolutely understand someone using some form of social media to notify family/friends/colleagues/whatever about something BIG, be that a tragedy such as this one, or something more positive. Some people use Facebook in a casual way, to maybe play some games, post a few photos, spy on old classmates, whatever, others use it as a way to keep in touch with close family and friends who live far away, and as a way to be open and honest about themselves and their emotions and experiences, especially if they find that difficult to do in person, or over the phone. When my son was born I didn't call up hundreds of people telling them, I was elated but exhausted so I sent a text message to a few people close to me, and the next day I, you guessed it, posted on Facebook. It's a way to reach out to a lot of people, and to control what you say and how you say it because it allows you time to think about what you're going to write, and you can always delete it later, unlike a face to face or phone conversation. I'm pretty sure that within hours of being told my Dad had died I had posted on Facebook about how grateful I was to have my newborn son to hold on such a sad day, and the support I got didn't make it all better, my Dad was still dead, but it was good to know I was loved and supported, and I imagine it's the same for this poor mother too.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother of an infant that died, I can play devil's advocate here. When Tiny Angel passed away nearly 15 years ago, it was before the time of Social Media. But you bet your fucking ass I was on the phone, knocking on doors, looking for any and all support I could get . . .
ReplyDeleteShe was perhaps looking for that, for support... I wouldn't judge her. We all grieve differently and when you lose a child (I speak from experience) a part of your mind is lost, you are temporarily insane, crazy, and there is no such thing as common sense... Just you, the pain and hurt, reeling in a world that no longer makes sense, this static, buzzing in your head as you flounder for purchase, for support, to stay standing and not die.
First let me say I'm sorry about losing your child. I've never experienced the loss of a child so I'm no one to speak how painful or whatever emotions people experience when they lose a child. My point and only point was that I felt she posted too soon. I understand that different people grief different ways and while others want to see/speak to no one others want to be surrounded by family and friends and even strangers in person or virtually because that is how they deal with pain. I don't judge how people deal with pain. The only judgment I passed on her was that I felt she posted this too soon (it had been less than a day since her child had died). I was thinking of myself in that situation and I felt I couldn't go on FB to post the loss of my child less than a day after it happened. Maybe I would do it after some days/weeks/months but this is just the way I am. Different people deal with pain different ways & I guess I shouldn't have judged her but I was shocked that she posted this (again too soon in my opinion).
DeleteWe all grieve differently. Great post!
ReplyDelete